The Poetry Church Fair and Accurate Propaganda Blog

2004-07-24T16:52:00.000-05:00

DYING CANCER PATIENT SELECTS INEXPERIENCED AMBULENCE CHASER

Reported by Hunter S. Stuntdick

WASHINGTON- In a move certain to abate voter’s concerns regarding his health history, cancer victim John Kerry last week tapped Sen. John Edwards- a completely inexperienced trial attorney who makes Dan Quayle look like Harry S Truman- as his vice-presidential nominee. Kerry, who was diagnosed with malignant prostate cancer in February of 2003, is not expected to survive a full four-year term as President.

EDWARDS:
"Gee Whiz!"

"In 1992, another Massachusetts senator and fellow cancer survivor ran for the Democratic party’s Presidential nomination." Kerry said. "That man was Paul Tsongas. His medical history in no way impaired his ability to run an effective campaign, and no one felt his bout with cancer had any bearing whatsoever on the viability of his candidacy."

Tsongas, who by 1992 had been in "complete remission" for almost 10 years, died of cancer a few years later.

CAMPAIGN '92: The one-time Democratic
front-runner, seen here "fit as a fiddle."

OTHER HEADLINES:
California governor endorses Predator in hotly contested "Predator vs. Alien" race.
Filmmaker Michael Moore expected to receive yet another Oscar nomination for preaching to choir.
9/11 Commission Report: Attacks of September 2001 could have been prevented if we would have just let them knock down WTC the first time they tried.
Soul of Ronald Reagan rotting in Hell comfortably.

2004-05-30T06:53:00.000-05:00

FROM THE DESK OF WILLIAM F.U. BUCKLEY:

POLL SHOWS STRONG PUBLIC SUPPORT FOR PRESIDENTIAL PARDON OF BUSH

After reviewing recent trends in polling conducted at the official Poetry Church website, analysts are describing what they see as a strong margin of public support for President Bush, should he ever face the death penalty in connection with charges of dereliction of duty during times of war- as is sometimes warranted under military law in cases such as Mr. Bush’s. Bush, 57, failed to show up for National Guard duty while stationed either in Alabama or Texas (he tends to get confused over the details of it all now) for a period of approximately one year, from 1972 to 1973.

“What is interesting,” says Erich von Titsling of the Wisdom Project poll-consulting firm, “is the sheer number of people who support the President on this issue.”

Current numbers show that an overwhelming 40% say the death penalty is too strict in the case of Bush’s complete abandonment of his post during hostilities, choosing instead a life-time sentence of hard labor in a military prison as a more just punishment. This was just enough support for Bush to wedge out a victory over those who answered “Who’s President Bush?”(38%), but more than enough to give him a commanding win over those supporting death (18%), which no doubt disappoints some Democrats on the Hill. Another 5% answered “No Opinion (Republican).”

“This certainly puts a lot of pressure on Future-President Kerry to pardon Bush of any wrong-doing during his National Guard tenure.” says von Titsling. “If the Democrats are going to try to jail Bush for anything he has done, they’re going to have to find something else in his record.”

Sources indicate they may have a few more ideas.

OTHER HEADLINES:
 Really whack guy “just won’t chill.”
 Otherwise heroic teen rescues neighboring family during flash flood but then fucks it up by touching eldest daughter a bit too much while “helping her onto the raft.”
 Woman on Atkin’s Diet loses 120 pounds, virginity.
 Despite war in Afghanistan, street price of heroin at all-time low. Despite war in Iraq, oil prices at all-time high. White House: Bush administration officials “probably not involved directly.”

Quote for the Day
"Never trust a person who can carry on a polite conversation with a telemarketer for more than 15 seconds." -Bertrand Russell

2004-05-25T01:44:00.000-05:00

BUSH SPEECH OUTLINES "5 STEPS TOWARD THE VEITNAMIZATION OF IRAQ"

Reported by Hunter S. Stuntdick

BUSH: "I shall not seek nor shall I
accept the nominaton of my party..."

WASHINGTON- During what was billed as the most important speech of his Presidency, George W. Bush addressed a live, internationally televised audience Monday night from the Carlisle Barracks in Pennsylvania and outlined his “5 Steps” toward escalating the military situation in Iraq to the point where it is a completely fucked, irreversible quagmire.

"Despite past disagreements, most nations have indicated strong support for the success of a ‘free’ Iraq (giggles), and I am confident they will share in the responsibility of assuring that success,” he said, “Once we grab them by the balls and twist a little bit (more giggles)... mind you, there is an awful lot of money involved (laughter)."

“The problem is,” Bush added, “the sitiation (sic) in Iraq is not nearly fucked up enough yet.”

The President proceded to point out that the Pentagon hasn’t even yet begun to consider the use of napalm, carpet bombing, and “all that other desperate shit." He then went on to emphasize that rebels in Iraq, though apt to their native urban/desert warring conditions and difficult to counter using conventional western military tactics, “haven’t even joined ranks yet amongst their factioned, guerilla-like sects into a unified, coordinated, multi-pronged and multi-fronted attack like Tet. That’s REALLY going to suck.”

Bush outlined five steps to Iraqi self-government in the first of a series of addresses in the weeks before the handover of "power" (AKA control of the utilities and a few body guards) to Iraqis. These "5 steps (to Veitnamization)" include:

 Handing over authority to a sovereign Iraqi government that is basically just a puppet to the interests of the O.B.F.O.D ("Oil Baron Friends Of Dubbya").

 Establishing security (and torture facilities).

 Continuing to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure, via Halliburton.

 Encouraging more international support, Frenchies (visit related links: global credibility, humanistic utilitarianism as interest-bearing investment opportunity).

 Moving toward a national election in Iraq that "will bring forward new leaders empowered by the Iraqi people," Becktel.

The 31-minute speech at Carlisle Barracks, which is home to the war college, was the first of six presidential addresses on Iraq in the weeks before the Iraqi handover, the White House said. The White House then plans to deliver several more key international policy speeches before handing over sovereign control of the United States to Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) in January of 2005.

GHOST OF LBJ: Said to be pleased that
"it's not one of our guys this time."

2004-05-21T00:06:00.000-05:00

STARS JOIN FORCES TO HONOR LEGENDARY FUNNYMAN IDI AMIN

Dictators/celebrities pay tribute to “one of the greats.”

Amin’s influence still inspires a generation of comics, cannibals.

Michael Jackson to send videotaped hommage from prison.

Televised Amin Tribute considered a "dress rehearsal" for next month's Roman Polanski Celebrity Roast.

During rehearsals, Nikki P. demands the respect she’s earned; 14 injured.

Reported by Ralph Nader-do-well

HOLLYWOOD- Beginning next Thursday and running throughout the Memorial Day weekend, Hollywood is rolling out the red carpet for a star-studded telethon tribute to late great funnyman/despot Idi Amin.

Throughout the 70s, Amin ruled the tiny African nation of Uganda with an iron fist. As Uganda’s president, he was a ruthless practitioner of sadistic torture methods, cannibalism, and genocide. But it was his quick, irreverent wit and his tireless commitment to touring the comedy club circuit after his retirement from politics in February of 1979 that brought him in touch with the hearts and minds of a generation of comedy fans. His legendary characters and sketches- from ‘Swami Guy’ to ‘The Nairobi Trio (with Machetes)’- live on now as examples of his comic genius, as well as testaments to his continuing influence on a younger generation of comedians.

COMEDY IS NOT PRETTY:
Amin had several hit comedy albums
in the late 70s and early 80s, and his
farcical ‘King Tut’ single was #1 on the
Billboard charts for 3 weeks in 1979.

“He was a completely unique, totally original innovator.” said Carrot Top, “There will never be anyone or anything like him again.”

“There was a period for about seven and a half years straight,” recalls veteran comic Fred Travalena, “Where he was on tour 52 weeks a year. He just loved touring that much, loved the audience. And they loved him too, except on those rare occasions when he would eat a heckler’s leg.”

“He really stood up to corporate America,” said filmmaker Michael Moore, “And that is something I truly respect about the guy.”

Moore’s not alone. Big name celebs are expected to show up en masse next week to man the phones for the annual 96-hour Amin fundraiser. As Amin- who passed away from natural causes last year- left no known next of kin, it has not yet been determined exactly where the proceeds go, but somebody overheard someone else mention something about the relatives of certain firemen and police officers from New York.

PICTURED ABOVE: Tom Cruise tries to look
thoughtful and deep (left foreground) while Sylvester
Stallone attempts to appear socially conscientious
(left rear) at last year’s Amin celebrity telethon.

OTHER STORIES:
 Gorbachev dozes off at Kissenger’s brother-in-law’s funeral.
 Woman with disproportionately large breasts and narrow waist receives unwarranted praise for something she did that wasn’t really that amazing.
 John Shirk eats pigeon.
 After miraculous recovery from gunshot wound to head, Antichrist said to be “resting comfortably.”
 Nameless, faceless, touchy-feely "sensitive" guy who attends local poetry readings identified as Tim Cook.
 Cure for Polio lost.

_______________________________________________________________________________

In addition to his frequent contributions to this news blog and his ongoing struggle to "Take Back America," Mr. Nader-do-well occupies his time accepting enormous, secret campaign contributions from certain high-level Republican Party operatives with a vested interest in maintaining a viable third party Presidential candidate, thereby splitting the "Liberal Vote" and all but ensuring us of four more years of the most repressive totalitarian regime in American Political History. He may be reached via email at poetrychurch@yahoo.com.

2004-05-20T00:48:00.000-05:00

MY AMERICA by Rush Contin

I’ve decided to use this installment of my monthly Poetry Church article to answer some of the voluminous emails I have received from the many good readers of this fine news blog. Carmen Beltros of Whiting, IN writes:
“Dear Rush- What’s up with all the whiney cancer patients still bitching about stem-cell research? When are they all just gonna stick a lid on it?”

Amen to that, brother! You are singing to the choir here, Carmen. I have been complaining about “Cancer Rights” abuses for years now. I am so sick of hearing that whole argument that, by outlawing the majority of available forms of stem-cell research in the United States, George Bush may have pushed a potential cure back by decades. What these terminal mopers need to understand is that abortion is IMMORAL and SOCIALLY PERVERTED. Cancer, though dreadful and unfortunate, is neither. I rest my case…

Larry Gassbach of Chicago, IL writes:
“Hey Rush! I heard that J. Edgar Hoover was a fag! Is that true??? WTF?!?!?

Larry, just because a man likes to dress up like a woman and watch other men (usually also made up to look like women) have sex, that alone does not make him a homosexual. Many- perhaps the majority- of our nation’s greatest leaders have from time to time dressed up like women and watched other men (again, other men who were generally also made up like women) have sex. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, WEB DuBois, JFK, RFK, FDR, Teddy Roosevelt, and many other historic figures who are dead now and thus can’t sue me are but a few examples.

Linda Harmon of Oak Park, IL writes:
“Rush, my husband of 11 years Ben is a sweet and gentle man who is the love of my life. Together we have 3 beautiful children, a wonderful house, and the life I dreamed about having when I was a little girl. However, occasionally my husband can be less than attentive to my particular needs, specifically when it comes to reciprocating cunnilingus. I have brought these concerns of mine to his attention on numerous occasions. Each time he says he will make amends, only to proceed to blow his load in my face and fall asleep the next time an opportunity for oral reciprocation presents itself. I am at my wits’ end! Each night I have to come up with a different excuse for why I am spending 30-45 minutes locked in the bathroom with the tub water running! Please help!”

Men who fit the description you’ve given of your husband often suffer from what I describe in my newest self-help book as “Sexual Children Syndrome." Unlike most mature adults who develop autonomous sexual identities, individuals suffering from SCS tend to be very self-concerned and non-responsive to typical means of adult negotiation when it comes to sexual matters. These individuals respond far better to conventional punishment-vs-reward systems of behavioral modification, as would a child. So the next time Ben “releases his ejaculate” in the manner you have described, try biting his dick off and spitting it in his face. That should get his attention.

That’s all for this month. Drop me a line at poetrychurch@bolt.com, and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

2004-05-19T22:06:00.000-05:00

BIN LADEN ANNOUNCES INDEPENDENT PRESIDENTIAL BID

Reported by Hunter S. Stuntdick

WASHINGTON- Third party rabble-rouser Osama bin Laden announced today that he will run for President as an Independent in the November general election, baffling pundits and assuring the more paranoid elements of the Democratic Party the realization of their worst fears.

Bin Laden made the announcement in front of a closed Ford Motors assembly plant in Flint, Michigan. When the plant closed its doors for good in April of 2002, over 7,000 local residents lost their jobs.

“Under my totalitarian fundamentalist regime (visit related links: Reform Party, Green Party), this plant would still be open today. The first act I shall commit as President will be to abolish NAFTA for being the capitalist tool of infidel swine- swine who conspire with the Jews and who also close down assembly plants. The first act, right after I dump a rather large quantity of strychnine into the Hoover Dam, that is.”

Reaction amongst attendees was mixed.

“I agreed with all that stuff about how we are at greater risk for terrorist attacks since Bush started the war then we were before.” said Molly Berghurst, an unemployed steel worker and mother of 673, “But that whole part about small pox kind of creeped me out. I mean, if we’re going to be killing all of our own people like that, that means there are going to have to be a LOT of new graves dug. And SOMEONE is going to have to pay for all those fresh graves. I guess I’m just gun-shy about electing another tax and spend liberal.”

ROCKING THE VOTE: If appearances like last month's spontaneous
guest spot on TRL (above) continue to go well, expect to see more and
more of bin Laden on MTV in the coming months.

CANDIDATE: Mums the Word on V.P. Choice
Speaking to members of the media via satellite after his announcement, bin Laden said he “has not even yet asked all mighty Allah for his divine guidance” in picking a running mate. Nonetheless, speculations are that the early favorite is Admiral James Stockdale, who is quite possibly just gullible and confused enough to do it.

“Plus he brings that whole ‘Been a Lunatic’s Veep’ experience to the table.” said one bin Laden staffer, “And that’s a pretty tough element to counter in the debates, at least when his hearing aid is working.”

STOCKDALE:
‘Confused.’

Democrats are all a Bunch of Swarthy, Paranoid Greeks and Irishmen who Drink too Much and Eat Their Own Young
Democrats fear that bin Laden’s late entry may adversely affect John Kerry’s presidential bid in a manner similar to the way in which they believe his candidacy affected the outcome of the Bush/Gore 2000 Election. Many party loyalists still feel bin Laden cost Gore the White House by finishing in a tie for fourth with Pat Buchanan, Larry Flint, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Gary Coleman, Lyndon Larouche, and the Unknown Comic; just ahead of fifth place finisher Ralph Nader. Not being able to win your own home state had nothing to do with it, according to sources close to party leadership.

“With a bin Laden administration two things are for certain,” stumped the spirited underdog, “Much blood will be spilt, and millions of new jobs will be created…IN HEAVEN!”

PICTURED ABOVE: Bin Laden speaking in Toledo, OH during a stop on his “Jobs First- On
a Jihad to a Stronger Economy” whistle stop tour.

OTHER STORIES:
 Controversial new study finds most men horny, flatulent.
 Massachusetts approves gay marriage; Four Horsemen of Apocalypse "very pleased."
 REPORT: White House had prior knowledge of imminent global invasion by a hyper-intelligent race of space aliens who intend to use all of humanity as a food source in order to replace their own depleted livestock resources.
 God provides perfectly logical, satisfactory answer to man who asks, "Why me Lord?"

2004-05-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

FROM THE DESK OF WILLIAM F.U. BUCKLEY:

Quote for the Day
"The Amerkin (sic) people shall not cower before turny (sic)." -President George W. Bush

RUMSFELD TO TROOPS: "BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I'M NOT THAT SORRY"

ABU GHRAIB, Iraq- Speaking this week at a surprise appearance before U.S. troops stationed at the now infamous Abu Ghraib prison camp, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld issued what amounted to a non-apology for Iraqi prisoner mistreatment by U.S. armed forces in the region.

"Everyone, please understand just how upset I am personally by this controversy." Rumsfeld said. "I would like to express my outrage at the conduct of our own men and women in uniform, and I would also like to extend an apology to all peoples of the Islamic faith worldwide."

"I'd like to do that," Rumsfeld continued, pausing to cover the PA mic with one hand while leaning from the podium to address the troops directly, "But unfortunately I can't. Fuck with Uncle Sam some more and see what happens next, Mohammed. Can you say 'Nagasaki?'"

Rumsfeld was interrupted at this point is his statement by a brief uproar from the assembled group of U.S. servicemen, who chanted "USA! USA!," performed the 'Tomahawk Chop,' and participated in several other traditional American celebratory acts which- when you really think about it- are quite remarkably insensitive culturally, even for a room full of stupid fucking white men.

"Oh, I see," Rumsfeld continued after the uproar, "International Law forbids torture and humiliation as acceptable means of interrogation. So all that stuff we did for 20 years in Central America was OK, but now I'm the asshole. That sounds pretty fucking righteous to me. I guess the next time a bunch of towel-headed cavemen are about to blow up the Hoover Dam, we'll just ask them nicely where the bomb is."

PICTURED ABOVE: "Winning the hearts and minds..."

Not all of Rumsfeld's speech constituted a ringing endorsement of U.S. military conduct in the region. At one point, Rumsfeld chastised the crowd for what he described as "conduct unbecoming of a homophobic, gay-bashing military."

"One thing I won't tolerate is a fag army." Rumsfeld explained. "What I would like to know is, what's with all the butt-play in those pictures? I would like to remind you all that this is an interrogation facility, not the Steve-O show. Whatever happened to those good old-fashioned, non-gay means of interrogation? You know, like hanging a man from his ankles for 17 days, putting electrodes on his balls, and surgically removing both his retinas as he listens to the cries of his mother being sodomized with a broomstick handle? Now all I see is ass-play, ass-play, ass-play, with an occassional glimpse of a short chick with a butch haircut and a cigarette dangling from her mouth like she's goddamn Robert Mitchum. We really need to court martial that broad."

Rumsfeld dismissed the rest of the world's indignation and calls for his resignation, stating, "Oh, all those Amnesty International hippies are just a bunch of 'Old Europe' Frenchies, anyway. Fuck them."

PICTURED ABOVE: The preferred means of interrogation
employed by a generation of U.S. soldiers raised watching
'Jackass' and 'Will and Grace.'

Photos courtesy of The Memory Hole.

OTHER HEADLINES:
 Joel Chmura schedules appearance at Trace and actually shows up.
 Mother of Nick Berg provokes awkward giggles at U.S. Military Office when she states she "would like to get that head back, please."
 Steinbrenner decides he's going to start buying NFL championships, too.
 Kerry Wood injures throwing arm while drinking, eating too much, and not training.

_______________________________________________________________________________

The views and opinions expressed by the Rev. Buckley do not necessarily reflect those of the editors of this weblog. Or maybe they do. All I'm saying is you have no way of proving a damn thing in court. He may be reached via email at nukepoet@hotmail.com.

2004-04-20T19:54:00.000-05:00

On the Scene
by the random absurdist

Scene(ster) and Overheard
At Mental Graffiti

Tim Cook to female poet: This poem's about my ex but I couch all the references in High Culture imagery. I include some low or "pop culture" imagery so the dim-wits who come here have a bone to chase.

Dan "Sully" Sullivan to J-Dub: I want to get chicks just like you do when I'm your age.

J-Dub to Dan: Eh, sonny where am I again?

female poet to Tim Cook: Get your hand off my ass!

Drew Perfilio to Bartender: Coulds shoo pweas get me enuthershackdanshuls honda raks.....belch....

female poet to Tim Cook: I SAID GET YOUR HAND OFF MY ASS!

John Shirk to audience: This poem is about my daughter, she's a pigeon, i'm going to cook her before she gets married to a possum.....wait..uh ....I mean....uh.....

Bill Herbst to no one in particular: My problem with slam poetry is.....I mean its not really an art form...I think people take it too seriously....I mean who would waste time even thinking about it......Oh, DUDE I just got a great idea for my Anti-poetry slam treatise/manifesto!

female poet to cop: He just wouldn't get his hand off my ass. I hope he's gonna be okay. I punch my little sister in the shoulder like that and she never cries. Jesus, I mean really, have you ever seen that many tears come out of a grown man? Poets are pussies. By the way sargeant, what are you doing later?

Drew Perfilio to rocks glass: Yers da honly un dat hundershtants me....

Bill Herbst to no one in particular: The idea that you can score poetry is just so absurd. Why would you belittle your art that way. Hey where did everyone go. Who turned the lights out. Dammit, this shit is IMPORTANT!

2004-04-06T18:31:00.000-05:00

FROM THE DESK OF WILLIAM F.U. BUCKLEY:

Quote for the Day
"It's a far far better thing I do than anything you've ever done, prick." -Dickens

‘SPIRIT OF JOFFREY’ POSSESSES POET; 16 DEAD, MANY OTHERS INJURED

CHICAGO (AP)- For 30 seconds late Monday night at Weeds, the spirit of famed activist JOFFREY leapt into the body of Chicago-area performer/poet/bike messenger MIKE GREEN. Green- who took to the stage shortly after 11:30 p.m.- immediately began shouting, rolling his r’s, and ranting about his strong distaste for yellow-labelled beers. Panic immediately ensued, resulting in a stampede that led to the tragic deaths of 16 and a yet-to-be-determined number of injuries.

Eye-witness accounts vary widely as to the exact details. Said Weeds survivor DREW PERFILIO, “I liked the part he did about ‘Zionist Whores.’ That was really cute.” But other witnesses provide a very different account of what happened. Recording artist and fellow-attendee NIKKI PATIN stated for the record, “Was that Mike? Wow. I thought it was Zeeshan. Where did I put those dice?”

In a brief press release issued this morning, Weeds emcee GREGORIO GOMEZ stated, “That’s the way we like it at Weeds, you fucker.”

OTHER HEADLINES:
 J.Lo’s Mom wins $24 million in lottery; proves all notions of God, fairness, and “karma” unfounded.
 Anderson Cooper gets new haircut hoping it will make him look smarter than he is; Peter Jennings to follow suit.
 Bush smiles; looks like he swallowed something he didn’t mean to swallow.
 Local man listens to the Al Franken AIR AMERICA show for more than 2 minutes.
 Charlie Rose dozes off briefly during 17-hour Noam Chomsky interview.

2004-03-23T14:31:00.000-06:00

OPRAH WINFREY FINED $17,500 BY FCC, FACES STIFFER PENALTIES NEXT WEEK

Controversial "shock jock" women's talk show host sent a clear message: Tone done your racey act!

Episode instructing teenage girls on proper method for "tossing salad" specifically cited.

Six markets gone, sponsors edgy elsewhere.

Next month's planned "Miss Oprah Winfrey" Homeless Crackwhore Beauty Paegent cancelled, show faces further developmental limitations.

Fred Norris a space alien, prefers to be called "Eric."

Reported by Ralph Nader-do-well

During a week which saw Clear Channel remove the Oprah Winfrey show from six of its stations, the FCC announced a $17,500 fine against Winfrey-owned Harpo Productions in connection with "graphically lewd and inappropriate statements" made by Michelle Burford, a writer for Winfrey's "O" magazine and a guest on her program last year. During that episode- which originally aired October 23rd, 2003 and dealt with the topic of sexually active 13 year-old girls- Winfrey and Burford had the following exchange:

WINFREY: OK--so--OK, so what is a salad toss?

BURFORD: OK, a tossed salad is--get ready; hold on to your underwear for
this one--oral anal sex. So oral sex to the anus is what tossed salad is.
Hi, Mom. OK. A rainbow party is an oral sex party. It's a gathering where
oral sex is performed. And a--rainbow comes from--all of the girls put on
lipstick and each one puts her mouth around the penis of the gentleman or
gentlemen who are there to receive favors and makes a mark in a different
place on the penis, hence, the term rainbow. So...

That sort of lurid discussion of sexually explicit material was deemed inappropriate by Clear Channel when it announced it's "Zero Tollerance" policy for indecency, shortly after Janet Jackson's boob stunned an already grieving nation.

Last week's fine, announced after Wednesday's FCC Investigations and Hearings Commitee Meeting, may just be the tip of the iceberg. A Senate Subcommitee is voting next week to pass legislation which would impose much stiffer fines- ranging in the hundreds of thousands of dollars per violation rather than the modest $17,500 slap-on-the-wrist Winfrey currently faces. Her contention has always been that such fines are unfair, in that they are arbitrarily chosen by the FCC to "persecute" her. Incidents from 10 years ago can been dug up and cited, with Harpo Productions facing millions of dollars in potential fines as a result.

"That episode from 6 years ago where we had Gary the Retard and Crackhead Bob fart in those Scores girls' faces," Oprah said during her show taped yesterday, "Jesus, they could fine us 10 million just for that single friggin' episode!"

Janet Jackson's boob could not be reached for comment.

OTHER HEADLINES:
 AP Poll Shows Bush And Kerry Equally Ambiguous, Out Of Touch
 NASA: Mars Once Had Pools Of Water, Two-flats
 Bryant’s Accuser To Testify About Sex Life On Geraldo
 Powell: “Early Action Might Not Have Stopped 9/11, Or Whatever.”
 Comedian Bob Hope Still Dead

Quote for the Day:
"God does not love you as much as He loves those who love themselves."

2004-02-23T18:59:00.016-06:00

VATICAN GIVES "TWO THUMBS UP" TO NEW ANTI-SEMITIC REVISIONIST CHRIST BIO PIC

Pope: "It is as it was when the Jews killed Jesus because they are the devil."

Controversial new film depicts Christ associating with minorities, women.

Scorsese: "Take my advice-- stick to making mobster movies, dummy."

World's Religious Leaders mostly bored, fall asleep during that one part where no one speaks a goddamn word of the King's English for an hour or two.

Bush: Gibson "may be hiding weapons of mass destruction," pushes for Constitutional ammendment banning gay marriage, a woman's right to choose, Australian Catholic Filmmakers, privacy and free speech.

Reported by Ralph Nader-do-well

ROME (AP)- In keeping with a horrific anti-semitic tradition which predates the rise of German National Socialism in the 30's, the Vatican announced late last week that they are "just giddy" over the slanderous depiction of the Jewish race in Mel Gibson's new film, The Passion of the Christ. "It is as it was," the Pope said, "When those swarthy lying murderous Jew bastards crucified our Messiah, whose Father so loved the world He gave His only begotten son unto it. Mind you, that's the whole world... even the Jews!"

Pope entertained, slightly disoriented- The Pontiff is also said to have been likewise entertained by the film's high-end digital effects, richly choreographed fight sequences, and nail-biting car chase scenes (one of which required the construction of an eight mile hilly stretch of road dubbed "Golgotha Highway"). But it was Gibson's portrayal of the entire Jewish race as a manipulative, unruly and bloodthirsty mob of deity-killers that really kept His Holiness in stitches. "Dirty, dirty Jews..." the Pope mumbled semi-coherently, shortly before developing uncontrollable tremors and soiling his Papal undergarment, "Just filthy."

Gibson speaks out, smirks- In a response to a New York Times Op Ed piece last month, Gibson (star of What Women Want and Lethal Weapon 4) stated for the record, "I did not make this film because I hate the Jews. I made this film because I love Jesus Christ, and the Jews murdered him." Gibson still refused to speculate as to why a race of hyper-intelligent space aliens who are deathly allergic to water would bother invading a planet that is made up of more than 70% water. "Theater of the mind, babe." he said through that characteristically arrogant smirk of his that would send chills down even Hitler's spine.

Click on this banner to watch a bunch of shifty Jews murder Jesus.

_______________________________________________________________________________

In addition to his frequent contributions to this news blog and his ongoing struggle to "Take Back America," Mr. Nader-do-well occupies his time accepting enormous, secret campaign contributions from certain high-level Republican Party operatives with a vested interest in maintaining a viable third party Presidential candidate, thereby splitting the Democratic vote and all but ensuring us four more years of the most repressive totalitarian regime in American Political History. He may be reached via email at poetrychurch@yahoo.com.

2004-02-21T13:52:00.001-06:00

FROM THE DESK OF WILLIAM F.U. BUCKLEY:

Quote for the Day
"The wise man masturbates not with the warm oils of doing, but with the wood shavings of not-doing." -Lao Tzu

POETRY CHURCH OPENS WORLD'S FIRST EVER ONLINE STORE- Altering forever the manner in which we conduct business, the Poetry Church this week launched the first ever "online retail exchange website." The venture, launched in partnership with CafePress.com, is expected to cause quite a Wall Street rush on so-called "dot com" stocks any day now.

WOMEN AGREE: THAT HAT IS HOT- Women everywhere agreed this week that the Poetry Church Black Cap, available from the Poetry Church Online Shoppe, is "way hot." After 6 intense days of negotiations- which almost broke down completely on at least two seperate occassions- all the women in the world ultimately agreed that the black hat in question was the only article of clothing which made each and every one of them want to have really great, sweaty, wild sex with any man on Earth who dons one.

LATEST MILLIONAIRE A TOTAL A$$HOLE- Mark M. Ashgrum, winner of last Friday's record $230 million Power Ball jackpot is, sources confirmed today, a totally undeserving asshole. In one of those freak twists of fate that make those of us who actually try to be halfway decent and compassionate people seriously question our motives, friends and family claim Ashgrum is "just a little cocksucking, rat-bastard prick. You wouldn't believe it."

STUDY: PINK NO LONGER RELEVANT- 12 year-old Boston native Tiffany Barnes told reporters Tuesday that popstar Pink is "so totally over." The announcement came on the heals of an exhaustive 7 month research project focusing on Pink and other pop music icons, headed up by a popular culture think tank group comprised of Barnes and three of her Boston-area peers. "Pink tried to do that crossover thing and it just went nowhere," Barnes stated, "Plus her arms are fat and that is just gross. Beyonce is what it is all about now. I mean, 'Mizunderstood?' What was that, like, two or three years ago? Please." Pink (nee Alecia Moore) could not be reached for comment.

DID YOU KNOW?- You can visit the official Poetry Church Online Shoppe at any time from this blog, simply by clicking on the CafePress ad in the upper-right corner "Archives" section of this page? Did you further know that this reporter receives a modest gratuity every time you click on the following annoying CafePress.com Advertisement? It's a fact!

_______________________________________________________________________________

The views expressed by the Rev. Buckley do not necessarily reflect those of the editors of this weblog, nor those of Blogger.com, nor those of any individual bearing even the slightest semblance to one psychologically fit enough to stand trial in connection with a series of charges stemming from a number of violent and otherwise anti-social acts. He may be reached via email at nukepoet@hotmail.com.

Buy a Buckley Shirt and you'll look smarter.

2004-02-17T20:23:00.000-06:00

Scarblower Country -One Man's Opinion-

by Joe Scarblower

I am saddened by the recent bashing of local poet/provocatuer Bill Herbst. While I will admit that his work is derivative and not exactly compelling, I will not stand for the attacks on his character. Mr. Herbst's obsession with Lou Reed and Michelle Leigh is not an uncommon one, and, hey, who is he hurting? As far as this columnist is concerned: NO ONE! As long as Mr. Herbst obeys the restraining orders, I feel that we should be a little more forgiving. Life is hard for the man, with all the booing and jeering. Do you people want him to go on another one of his perscription drug benders. Show a little love. Plus he's getting older and the jokes about his wardrobe being out of date are just plain petty. The eldest in our community should be shown respect in their golden years. Well, that's just one man's opinion.

Next week...."Fry 'em or hang 'em? -what to do with recreational drug users"

2004-02-15T08:53:00.000-06:00

News About Poetry Church

COMMENTARY SECTION ADDED
Those of you who work hard for a living, take nothing for granted, and who also happen to be rather observant will have by now duly noted the new addition of a 'Comment' option immediately following each and every post on this blog. Now, all who have dreamt of authoring your own extensive analysis and commentary upon the vast body of existing Poetry Church works may do so in the comfort and safety of your own homes, and on and item-by-item basis. Your responses will be catalogued and sold to nameless faceless marketing groups, largely in the pursuit of our own financial gain and that of our sponsors.

SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE NOW AVAILABLE
With word of the official Poetry Church blog having spread like a venereal disease in the New World, trendy rich white folk everywhere are tripping over each other to be the first to catch the latest postings on this site. But nothing can be more embarassing than being "out of the loop" at the water cooler Monday morning, when talk is all about the latest post which YOU HAVEN'T READ YET! What to do to stay on top of the latest Poetry Church news? Did you know that the Poetry Church offers an online subscription service? Yes, we have spared no expense or inconvenience in establishing a technologically advanced "autoresponder" which can notify you personally via email each and every time a new posting appears on this site. Hurry, act now and receive a one-year online subscription for the alarmingly low-price of only $54.95, which is a savings of over 74% if we charged you $228.95.

AREA MAN BLAMES WORLD, OTHERS
In an announcement which sent shockwaves throughout the slam poetry community and the world of catering, local hack Drew Perfilio has declared that he is no longer willing to accept responsibility for the hardships and suffering he has caused both himself and and those around him, placing the blame instead "squarely on the shoulders of the world and of other people." The announcement, read before a packed and stunned Soldiers' Field fieldhouse, casts doubts on Perfilio's future in Chicago and potentially undermines the credibility of a host of other previous claims made by Perfilio, including his desire to become a better person, his interest in establishing an exercise regiment, his intent to quit smoking, and his promise to take the garbage out while you are at work.

"Look, sure I led my last roommate down that painful, dangerous road of alcohol and drug addiction which ultimately led to the loss of his life, but he had a free will and made his own choices. No one put a gun to his head." Perfilio snickered.

TIM RUSSERT SUES POETRY CHURCH
CORRECTON- In a recent posting on this blog, the mistaken impression may have been conveyed that Meet the Press host Tim Russert enjoys sex with farm animals and other large (mostly mammalian) wild life. The Poetry Church wishes to apologize to Mr. Russert and his family for what part we may have played in failing to clarify that we were speaking metaphorically.

2004-02-13T02:12:00.000-06:00

MY AMERICA by Rush Contin

So, word has it that we’re about to have another election…

I’m shocked! This is an outrage! In light of the times I am afraid that America can ill-afford to indulge in such well-intended but dangerously naïve luxuries any longer! Imagine the consequences if some liberal extremist the likes of John Ferraro Kerry was actually elected and proceeded to overturn the Patriot Act! What if enough terrorists register to vote such that al-Zwahari gets elected President of the United States! And think of the security risks threatening our Commander in Chief if he is forced to mingle publicly at three to four $2000 per head fund-raising banquets per day. Wake up and smell the Risin, America! What this great nation needs now is level-headed, knowledgeable leadership with proven international experience, not the idealistic dreamings of a gilded era gone by.

Clearly, a line has been drawn in the sand... You either vote with President George W. Bush, or you’re with the terrorists.

2004-02-12T07:04:00.000-06:00

FROM THE DESK OF WILLIAM F.U. BUCKLEY:

Sources close to EZEKIEL BROWN are down-playing the Chicago-based poet/filmmaker/performance artist/unemployed Kinkos guy’s recent Las Vegas arrest. A publicist claims that the recent altercation and ensuing arrests involving Brown (37), three off-duty Las Vegas Sheriff's Deputies, and a male transvestite prostitute who answers only to the name ‘Chip’ was simply the result of “an unfortunate series of misunderstandings.” Brown is currently touring the West on a book promotional tour thinly disguised as a “multi-media road-trip event.” He declined comment to this blog (mostly because I have yet to return his copy of EVIL DEAD).

MICHELLE LEIGH UPDATE: I have had a bit of a change of heart, and here is what I have decided is my best course of action: I am going to use this blog Michelle Leigh to mention the name of FOX Michelle Leigh weatherperson Michelle Leigh as many times Michelle Leigh as I possibly Michelle Leigh can. Ultimately Michelle Leigh any time anyone Googles the name Michelle Leigh Lee Lea Lei Li, they will end up finding the link Michelle Leigh to this blog. Doubtless word of such scandalous e-publicity shall ultimately reach Ms. Leigh. If this does not work, I will begin using my limited exposure as a local performance poet to generate a certain degree of “hype” surrounding my “outlandish antics” (performed on stage, of course) referring in no uncertain way to my almost inhuman lust for Michelle Leigh Michelle Leigh Michelle Leigh. Yes, from now on I will be corralling those local shows which I frequent, shamelessly mic-hogging and fully aware of the fact that recounts of my antics will sooner or later be related to Ms. Leigh by some manner of personal friend or acquaintance who is in some way “turned on” to the local hipster-trash culture (may God have mercy on his or her soulless, forsaken husk). That should work.

......................

I came up with an idea for a piece when we (Polyrhythmic we) were rehearsing a group piece for Splatterjam last November. It was basically the remains of another idea I had that never survived my short attention span, but that worked well within in the context of the group dynamic we currently have in and around Polyrhythmic. The piece sat around after that as a series of disjointed rehearsal notes, then about a month ago I rewrote the whole thing from the ground up for a feature we did at the Guild Complex. Last week Drew and I were hanging out at Mental Graffiti, and he suggested we merge both my Splatterjam notes and the Guild Complex piece with his RNAP “Dim the Lights” (or whatever the hell he calls it). We did it that night at Weeds and the next night at Trace. It was fun. My favorite things about it: the 2 pieces have absolutely nothing to do with each other, it required almost no editing to fuse the 2, and we got to holler a lot. Here is as close to a reconstruction of the hybrid as can be committed to page, as we (I) screwed it up both times and thus we have yet to do it precisely as imagined. My lines are in regular font, Drew's are italicized.

Dim the lights, this is important

Last Tuesday at exactly 8:47 AM
a casting director rang a line
in the 937 area code
I answered
she had the perfect part
I had the right ears and teeth
I had a dream
a place on the casting couch
in the green room
under giant murals painted
with self-incrimination

Dim the lights, this is important

THE WORLD WILL NOTE
The left hand exposed to the right,
that last line exposed in the light
of the fact that I don’t know where
I am going here but hell I do know that
you’ve been here as well.
And you and I are there together now.

Dim the lights, this is important.

Somewhere from backstage
old dirty Carl the genetically
engineered car salesman
screams
SHUT THE FUCK UP MOTHERFUCKER!
IT’S GOT A WARRANTY!
IT’S GOT LOW MILEAGE!
IT ONLY HAS THREE PAST LIVES,
AND AT LEAST TWO OF THEM
WERE KARMICALLY POSITIVE!
So I complied
as I always comply

Dim the lights, this is important

You see
this is a love jones or a rage piece
or some clever slice of wisdom
so artfully re-done—Oh!
That was SO YOU!
No! This isn’t some ambiguous suicide note
vaguely shrouded in mixed metaphor.
No! We deserve more.

Dim the lights, this is important.

All the caged rascals will
steal your change to pay
the guardsmen
we must assure the pellets are
positively addictive and
the plant life is barbaric
you must eat it before it eats you
(all hail the possibilities of a
totalitarian vegetarianism)
but don’t worry this will
only hurt for eternities
I mean epics
I mean epochs
I mean epoxy
only you have the glue
to put this back together

You can write on this if you wish
it is as beautiful as it is ugly
it is sacrament and sacrilege
it is love and oblivion
it is as awful as the mail
and as brilliant as a blank page
it is what it is and
can only be what you make it

Dim the lights, this is important

Because this isn’t an angry fist
clenched to the face of an angrier god.
An epigraph for prayers unanswered
wishes unfulfilled.
You need to get over that.

Because God takes care of his own, true.
But He takes care to the others too.
We can't have an entre generation
of devil-orphans raising themselves.
It takes a village of dieties, really.

Dim the lights, please, this is important.

The man with glasses and
perfect eyesight can never
be trusted
a blind man will not lie to you
about the color of your aura
it is quite possible
that you have no aura at all
Get a refund!
Get a life!
Get the fuck out of here!
That phone call never
really happened
if you guessed that
then you are perfect and we don’t
need your kind around here

I mean
Let me in!
Let me love you!
NO! Let me go!
That is all too much
that caged rascal
that’s me
and I do I do I do
need you to need me

Dim the lights, this is important

THE WORLD WILL NOTE the sweat of soldiers' shoulders breaking the backs of angels robbing the cradles of mobsters, pornstars and housewives; indigent bed-wetters setting fires in match factories and breaking sacred trusts with holy half-truths like my God don't follow a man! My God don't follow a church! If you're going to have to follow something FOLLOW THE WORD! For in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God.

Until we proved that God was dead with microwaves.

Until we strung our muses tight with nooses 'round flag poles
and bit the hands of our bovne benefactors
until Matthew, Mark and Luke rode in on John Deere tractors.

And Megiddo took a raincheck.

And prophecies falied.
And tongues ceased.
And knowledge whithered away.

And the Four Horsemen sent their regards:

"Having a wonderful time
Wish you were pestilent."

Wish you would just grow up.
Wish you would simply…

Dim the lights.
This is only as important
as you want it to be.
Dim the lights.
I wish you’d just

go away. go away.

2004-02-10T19:37:00.000-06:00

Newly Local Poet Temporarily Attains Deification
by TheRandomAbsurdist

Chicago- Monday night in the Weed St. District of Chicago, notorious Hawaiian poet Beyond the Mic attained momentary deification after wowing the crowd of a local tavern with the first known mix of slam poetry and Hula dancing. Not only did cliches abound, but directly after the laughter and applause subsided a beam of light poured into the tavern. A deep disembodied god-like voice was reported to grumble, "for your accomplished performance of this grand art form we grant you demi-god status for five minutes." It was not clear at press time what was actually "accomplished" in the performance, but all authorities on the subject agree that by "art form" the voice meant Hula dancing, not slam poetry. With his new-found powers Beyond the Mic conjured two hookers and an eight ball of coke. After snorting a line Mr. Beyond screamed, "I am Maui," and the two hookers proceeded to "surf" him. When asked to comment on the incident Mr. Beyond's only response was, "Aloha Chicago!"

2004-02-10T02:45:00.000-06:00

CORRECTION: In his most recent post on this blog (dateline: February 9th, 2004), the Random Absurdist stated that open mic poetry readings are not all about 23 year old girls. Obviously, this statement was grievously innaccurate, and the Poetry Church wishes to express our sincere regrets for having so grossly misrepresented such an essential fact pertaining to the Chicago poetry scene. Performance poetry is all about impressing insecure, childish, self-obsessed but relatively attractive 23 year old women who aren't religious anymore. Or is that rock n' roll? I forget, Sartre gives me a headache too.....

2004-02-09T13:55:00.000-06:00

UPDATE (because you MUST care about what goes on inside the poetry church)
by THE RANDOM ABSURDIST

Bill is currently feeding pigeons. He has changed career paths. In his quest to attain the amazing Ms. Leigh, Bill has lost most of his dignity and a few pairs of underwear.

Jason Scovel is watching reruns of Falcon Crest on the Soap Network instead of writing his autobiography (working title:"Riding the Frigates of Wrath"). We are very disappointed!

The cast of characters at the Mental Graffiti reading have been warned.....The Random Absurdist will not abide bad and pretentious poetry....(BUT) The Random Absurdist will be forced to abide bad and pretentious poetry at the Trace, because you don't shit where you eat....And we really need your three dollars.

On a similar note, Tim Cook has informed us that "essence precedes existence" (or was it the other way around...Sartre gives me a headache) Tim is now going to write a poem that explains what that quote means to him....Bad Tim.....Bad!

A note to 23 year old girls at poetry readings.....it's not all about you....only some of it.....mostly the mean stuff....and we still don't care that you were really religious before you met us.....and when we pretend to care, it's called acting

Hillary would like to thank the her well-wishers for the cards and flowers....she would like everyone to know that the creams are working....

Next week on the Polyrhythmic stage: Music by Richard Cheney and the Energy Council performing songs from their new album "Massively Redacted." Opening Bands: Kill for Jesus and special guests The Reactionaries With No Sense of Humor (with a name that long you just know their emo)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

2004-01-28T21:30:00.000-06:00

FROM THE DESK OF WILLIAM F.U. BUCKLEY:

PARIS HILTON is not sexy. Her face looks like it was stretched out in a funhouse mirror and her bulbous nose is hideous. I would get more turned on watching my great-grandmother’s sex video.

THEOLOGIC RUMOR- Is the American Atheist Alliance considering litigation to enforce a federal mandate changing PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH’s use of the expression “God Bless America” to “We’ll be OK?” Stay tuned…

ITEM: Sources close to KATHY LEE & FRANK GIFFORD have confirmed that the aging New York Football Giant great is, in fact, fossilizing. In a brief written statement released to the media, family spokesman Andrew Johnson said, “We knew the Gif might be facing some serious medical issues when, over breakfast one morning, a substantial portion of Mr. Gifford’s nose fell off his face and into his drool cup.” Fortunately, the Gifford children had already left for school and were not subjected to witnessing their father in such a dilapidated state.

The more and more film critic ROGER EBERT’s lower lip sags to the left, the more and more he looks like HARRY CARAY.

MATERNAL RUMOR- Could TENNESSEE MARY's impending “road trip” be connected in any way with current speculations that she’s on the nest? Hmmmmm…

I am getting to that age now where I am choosing Nightline over Letterman or Leno. Even my mom isn’t that old yet! What is happening to me???

BIRTHDAYS: Jessica Alba (31), Johnny Depp (46), Courtney Love (48), Melanie Griffith (56), Howard Stern (61), David Letterman (73), Al Pacino (78), James Caan (104)

2004-01-26T01:46:00.000-06:00

BY WAY OF INTRODUCTION a few words from William F.U. Buckley

I suppose this being my first post here, I should get right to the issue which, for most of you anyway, must be central to your concerns regarding rumors with which I am currently associated. Here goes: I am absolutely, positively NOT dating FOX Morning News weatherperson Michelle Leigh.

Yes, she looks just delicious when she wears that powder blue pant-suit.

Yes, when she smiles and says, "Back to you Bob," (or whatever that other asshole's name is) out of the corner of her mouth, it is as if I have died and ascended into the manifest company of angels.

Yes, the mere sound of her voice inspires me as would an entire army of muses, and indeed I have taken the time to email her each and every one of the now countless number of sonnets, ballads, and other such manner of poems and odes I have penned under the drunken influence of her warm and delicate beauty.

Yes, I would even hand over my body to be burned were it to save Michelle Leigh a few moments of relatively mild suffering.

But the fact remains, we are NOT dating, nor have we ever dated, nor do either of us envision a time in the forseeable future when we may in fact see each other socially and/or become involved romantically. I have never even MET Michelle Leigh! The fact that for the past 10 months her photograph has adorned my refrigerator (and also the existence of a newer, considerably smaller "wallet-sized" photo of Ms. Leigh within the glove box of my car) merely indicates that I am an admirer of the depth and scope of her work, and also of her aformentioned warm and delicate beauty.

Frankly, I am getting sick of Michelle Leigh. After months of odes, ballads, and sonnets, you would think she would at least have the decency to respond to my emails. Is it out of the question for a fan such as myself to be rewarded with a covetted "head-shot" of this meteorologic diva? The flimsy newspaper-clipped photo on my frig has already grown dogearred and stained yellow from the months of chain-smoking I have occupied myself with in my tiny little apartment (aka "the Bunker"), while I feverishly write love poems for Ms. Leigh, all the while eating half-melted ice cream and wearing only my beer-stained boxer shorts (at least I think it's beer). And once, though I am not certain, I am fairly sure I passed Michelle Leigh on the street, and she IGNORED me! It was at Webster Place. I was exiting the Barnes and Nobles there, where I had just purchased one of those charming little "Cats Are People Too" desk calanders for my mother (who is on a fixed income). Michelle (or someone who looked EXACTLY like FOX TV's sexiest weathergirl) was walking out of Bally's (go figure!). This was my chance! Undaunted by my nerves- which were at an all time high on the "jitters" scale!- I reached out to her with pen in hand and asked her to sign my bare back so that I could race down to the nearest tattoo parlor and have her John Hancock permenantly affixed to my flesh. She just walked right by like she NEVER EVEN SAW ME!

I guess it is time for me to grow up a little bit and learn from my past mistakes. It is not like this is the first time this has happened. We all remember the rut I was in after Jackie Bang and I called it quits, and I still don't feel like I will ever totally get over that brief but passionate fling I shared with then-NBC5 anchor Robin Meade. Let's face it: I am just not cut out for newsgirls in particular and media types in general. So here's a New Year's Resolution you can count on this blogger to keep: No more Michelle Leigh in 2004!